This journey is not just about me...

I've been working on something in the background and all of the pieces are almost in place and enough of them are now in place for me to take the wraps off of it and announce it publicly.

I've decided that as part of my training / goals for getting to Ironman Miami 70.3, I am also going to raise funds for a charity that is important to me on many levels. I promise that this blog will not turn into an incessant pestering to donate (and I'm not even set up for donations yet, but I'm close).

I have a dear and close friend of mine that last year was diagnosed with breast cancer less than a year ago. Her name is Christine. I don't know how I would react if I were ever diagnosed with a cancer like that. However, all I can say is that I hope that I could react and be as courageous as she has been. I remember her telling me once that if this was all that her body could throw at her, she says "bring it". I won't detail what she went through, but she had multiple surgeries and never once did I see her crack, well other than crack a smile. She is a true inspiration of mine. She has courage, humor, strength in quantities that I can only hope that I have as well. During this whole procedure and recovery, she kept in contact with me during my recovery from my last ankle surgery and gave me words of encouragement and strength when what I was facing was nothing near that. She is recovering and is now without cancer. I wish I could do justice to how much courage and grace she has shown, but words can never do it.

Cancer has woven a fabric into my life through friends and relatives with some surviving and some not. But either way, it feels like it has been a shadow that lurks around too many corners and I see too many people I care about being ambushed by it.

So today, I say enough!
I posted a quote yesterday about what doesn't kill me, had better start running? Well, I'm twisting that slightly today.

Whatever attacks my friends, had better start running. Cancer, I'm looking at you.

I started down the journey to Miami for myself, to make myself healthier, fit, and achieve personal goals. And I still have and intend to do all of these things. But I want to make this more than just about me, I want my desire to become and Ironman keep someone else healthy, cancer free, or help them beat the monster in the shadows. Christine has inspired me that it's time for us to beat this thing once and for all, so I am going to raise money for the defeat of cancer in her name. I'm racing for Christine and every other man and woman who has ever faced cancer down (successfully or unsuccessfully). Christine, thank you for showing all of us how to face down the demons of life with courage, grace, and humor.

So, to that end - I'm setting a goal of raising a minimum of $25 per mile of my half Ironman to fund cancer treatment and research through the American Cancer Society in her name. So I'm setting a goal to raise at least $1775 (I rounded up) dollars for this cause. I will be setting up a donation site very shortly that you can go to contribute if you'd like to help me raise the money for this effort. I promise I won't pester you readers often with a request, but if you can - anything will help.

Thanks for listening, and thanks in advance for helping making my 2nd act in life something larger and more important than just getting healthy, fit, and becoming and Ironman  Let's work together to get someone else cured and across the finish line.

Am I a runner now?

The answer is a most emphatic yes.

Exhibit A: A nice steady run cadence

I, for the first time, ran more than a mile non-stop. But it gets better, I ran more than two miles non-stop. But wait, there's more, if you order now, you can get an additional .31 miles. I went 2.31 miles non-stop to the hill where we were running hill repeats last night. I've never done this before (I think I'm repeating myself now), but it still amazes me. I've been able to cover longer distances with a combination of walk and run, but this is the first significant distance that I did as an all run. I know that even walk/run I was still running, but now I feel like I've joined the runners club for the first time as a full member.

Before I go too much further I have to thank three very special people; for without them, I could not have accomplished what I have. Juanita, my wife - without her support and without her encouragement on some of the darker days that I have zero confidence in myself, it would be an order of magnitude more difficult to pull off what I'm doing. To Coach Lesley and to Krista - I know I've thanked you both already elsewhere, but you deserve a shout out here too. These two wonderful and inspiring women kept me going when I felt tired and believed that I could do it last night. The value of surrounding yourself with people who believe in you cannot be underestimated.

Was my pace fast, no. Am I setting land speed records, no. Do I need to be running this slow for a little while, (wait coach, I got this one) yes. But most of all I feel like a runner in my own mind. Was I a runner before, yes. I just didn't believe it in my heart until I look at that chart and see that with the exception of the hill repeat drills, and crossing the street and getting back onto the trail towards the back 1/3 - that was all running.

I don't want to be full of myself, but I feel like this is a time to actually be proud of myself. This has been a good week so far. I dropped another five pounds and I've dropped a total of 112 now. I rode the longest I've ever ridden on the trainer inside and it really didn't bother me. I ran over 3 miles non-stop.

This is my time, this is my year, this is the moment in which I will seize the opportunity in front of me and rise up to new heights. There will be hits, there will be challenges, but each time I get knocked down, I will rise again stronger and more determined than before. For each of us can be more than our past, more than our weaknesses, more than our limitations, more than often what we believe we can be. For with belief, comes courage. With will, comes determination. With dedication, comes inspiration. See success in your own mind. There will be work, there will be tears, there will be joy. But most of all, there will be you on the other side with the memories, the everlasting knowledge that you chose to believe in yourself and go beyond your walls, break down the barriers, and be more than you thought.

I confess I struggle with these ideals, but that in itself is part of what I strive for. I strive for success being measured by me believing these things and believing that I am good. I may never be elite, and that's ok. I may fall short of a goal here or there, and that's ok - for I had the courage to put it out there and toe the line.

I'll leave you tonight with two final thoughts. My friend Krista sent me a quote that I now keep on my computer to remind myself from time to time:

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." - John Bingham

And I leave you with this as well:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ... Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. ... It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -- From the movie Coach Carter

I hope someone reading this who may not believe that they can tackle their goals or reach for new heights realizes that you can. I hope that I can inspire you to believe in yourself. To all of my friends out there who are striving for goals - each and every one of you ... I believe in you.

Ok, I'm putting it out there

I know that I haven't finished my half yet, but I'm going to put my next big goal out there. I've talked with a few close friends about this, but here it is...

I've decided that I'm racing Ironman Wisconsin in 2014.
Oh, boy - it's out there now. Me and Black Beauty through the hills of Wisconsin.
Scary, but it'll be great.

I'm also going out to volunteer this year to get the IM experience, cheer on my fellow teammates who are racing IM WI this year, and register as early as possible for next year.

"Dream Big
Aim High
Even believe you can fly
Give it your all
Let the game begin"

Tough week, good and bad

Whew, what a week.

From a training perspective this was a week with a pretty good load and I had the highs and the lows, but I also ended up with some great lessons learned.

On the high side, I got a great bike ride in on Friday where my coach, my friend Krista, and I all circled Mercer Island. That's a fun ride because once you get onto east Mercer Island Way, it's pretty non-stop for 11 miles or so with no stop lights, no crosswalks, nothing. It's great. It's a bit hilly, nothing serious except for the final hill back to the parking lot when I actually ran out of climbing gears :). But what isn't hilly in Seattle!

This was a fun course that was made even better by riding with good friends that brought me along and really made me feel comfortable. Here's the important thing to me, even though I'm not the strongest, fastest, fittest, or best athlete - these friends and my coach really make me feel that I'm part of the collective and even though I would have understood if they dropped me back, they didn't. On top of which, my coach gave me a lot of awesome tips while she was watching me ride. My cadence needs to come up some, but I'm still learning to shift with the terrain as needed. I actually kept it up for a good chunk of the time. Definitely need to work on smooth shifting on the larger hills when I'm going from the big chain ring to the little one. That's just practice - of which I should be able to get a lot on Mercer Island. I did love the one moment when I was up at about 32 mph ... to be fair, it was a big downhill.

Also on the upside, I recovered nicely from the 408K and I'm pretty good with how that race turned out.

On the personal side, it was an crazy travel week. I came home on Monday, got some biking in on the trainer, then Wednesday I made a day trip down to San Jose. I was schedule for a 3 mile non-stop run. I did actually take running clothes in my laptop bag and went for a run at lunch. I did not get the 3 miles non-stop in. I did, however, cover my first mile non-stop. That's a good milestone. It didn't go to plan after that for a lot of reasons - weather (warmer than I'm used to), fatigue, and just general fitness that still needs to be built.

I was really down in the dumps after I didn't achieve my goal. Thankfully, I have some excellent friends and my coach really picked me up. This was a classic case of me being way too hard on myself and getting wrapped around the axle. I thinking I'm narrowing in on what drives that, but I'll get that in a future post.

I'm better now about my performance on Wednesday, but that was a good bump in the road. Thankfully that bike ride on Friday really made me feel a lot better about how the week went.

And then there was today. I was schedule for a 6.25 mile run, but I had to pull out at mile 3. My ankle just refused to loosen up and allow me to really run with a normal gait. I recognized it as I was coming down through Cowen Park. When I got to the water stop at mile 3, I just made a decision that it was a bad idea to continue (I was encouraged to make that decision as well, but I was headed that way regardless). This was a tipping point in which I could have gone either way; down the road of disappointment or letting it go. This time, I've let it go, at least mostly. Am I disappointed, sure. Am I crushed, no. I never want to give up on a workout, but I'd rather give up on a workout than risk an injury that could keep me out of a race. This was a tough week and my body just didn't have it in me. And that's ok, well mostly ok. I'm still me, after all.

The week isn't over, but I think it's been OK. I think the lessons learned (I'll talk about some of those in the future) will be valuable...

The 408K Race Report

Here we go... Warning to my readers out there, this is going to be a breakdown of the race and may be quite boring if you're not into the details. I will have more than just a break down of the race in here, but I thought I should issue that disclaimer.


Another view of the data...

So, here we go.

The positives:

• I ran over 50% of the course by time (which means it was probably well over 50% of the distance, but I haven't figure out how to slice and dice the data in training peaks or garmin to pull that data out - I may write a script to extract it from the XML directly).
• Fueling during the race was much better.
• The minor hills didn't bother me.
• The ankle did fine.
• I didn't finish dead last in either my age group or overall. :-)
• Depending on how much I trust the Hot Chocolate run data where I lost the GPS because I was in the 99 tunnel, I may have had my fastest mile.

The negatives:

• Pacing, pacing, pacing. Yeesh. Coach even gave me the virtual head slap before the race to go slow. And here I thought I was going slow bobbing and weaving through the crowds at the start. They had three corrals and I was in corral C. The cool people are always at the back, right? My goal was to run around a 1:00:00 - 1:05:00. I finished at 1:06:36. Not far off, but if I had done a better job of pacing I would have ended in my goal range. I did have to stop and tie my shoe at mile 1, so let's just say I lost 30 seconds there.
• I need to work on pre-race jitters - I slept horribly the night before. That'll come with experience, I'm sure.

The "it just is" list:

• Weather! Interesting race - started off at 42 degrees and was nearly 60 by the end - that mucked with things a bit. I did notice as the temperature climbed, my pace slowed. That is by far the warmest I've run in yet.
• Water stations are amusing - I think I got more on me than in me.

Ok, so after all of that - how did I feel about the race? I think I'm OK with it. I'm trying not to look at this result too cynically or too hard because I do know that things are good and again, if I look at where I was 8 months ago, it was a much different (and not so good) world. I'm still struggling with calling myself a runner. I know that taking a walk break during a run is somewhat accepted. There are even major marathon training plans that call for it, but I still have this image in my mind of what running should be and I'm not there yet. Mentally, I know it's the right thing to do. Emotionally, not so much.

I am proud of the fact that this is the longest race distance I have done yet. I had only ever done one 5K race and one sprint triathlon before I started up this training and now I've gone beyond that in a short amount of time. I've done 4 5K races, 1 8K race, and I've got a 12K race that is only 7 weeks away. I'm also poking around looking for a 10K race before that.

Race complete!

I finished. Analysis to come soon, but I think I'm happy with the way it went. I didn't quite run as much as I wanted, but it was still good and I wasn't last in my age group or overall. :)

The first big check box going down!

(Note, I apologize in advance, this was supposed to be a short post and it's turned into a novella)

We've arrived at the first big event of my race calendar. Even though this is just an 8K (5 miles), this is the first even I registered for during my planning of how to get from where I was to Miami this year. I registered for this last fall and it feels like the signature event to tell me that I truly have a racing season and that racing season is now underway. Completing this will also make me feel like I've accomplished a long goal.

It's been a long recovery and even as I get ready to get a good nights sleep before the race, I have to be excited for what I've managed to accomplish so far. I've defied what people told me when I was in the hospital last July. I've defied what some people expected when they saw how large I was, how bad my health had become, and just where I started from. I've defied that voice in my head that said you can't do this.

This race is a big deal for me - it's longer than a 5K (which is still a race) and it feels like I've moved up. Even before my ankle and everything else went sideways, I had never done anything longer than a 5K and now I have (or will have by tomorrow morning).

Admittedly, I still have a fair distance to go and a lot of training before I can cover that 70.3 or 140.6 miles, but this is a big deal for me. I put a race on the calendar months in advance with a goal to train for it. I did, and I'm here. I will race tomorrow and while I'm sure I will be relatively low in my age group, it doesn't matter because I will finish. I will end the day with my head held high and with the pride that goes with knowing that I put my goals out there and I lived up to them. Not only lived up to them, but used them as a spring board to bigger and better things.

I had dinner with some friends, who are running the 408K with me, last night that I hadn't seen in many months (since late summer last year) and both of them were amazed (and told me so) about the progress I've made so far in looking and being healthier. I don't seek these compliments, but they make me feel so good when I get them.

I have a long list of people to thank for getting me here (when did this turn into a Oscar speech?):

Juanita, my beautiful wife, for believing in me on the darkest of days when the black clouds build over my head and for always being supportive of me even when it feels like I disappear because I'm training;
Coach Lesley - for having the patience of a saint as I struggled in the beginning and for knowing how to adapt to what I needed to do and for encouraging me to aim big. Thanks for taking all of that knowledge and pouring it into my brain even when I'm a little slow on the uptake (yes, I will eat before the race tomorrow! :) );
Krista - for being a heck of a friend that I've met through training, for sharing goals with me, for listening and advising me, and for inspiring and motivating me through tough workouts;
Christine - for being a marvelous inspiration on how to come back from whatever life throws at you - your strength, dedication, and love of life inspires me every day;
Dawn - Thanks for bringing so much humor into our runs together - you crack me up and make the miles just slide away. Marco! Polo!
Sheena and Elena - You both are inspirations to me the way you can plow through adversity and still bring a smile to your face. And thanks to both of you for (on many occasions) bringing a smile to my face too! You're selflessness is incredible.;
Krista, Dawn, Sheena, and Elena - the village people rock!
Danielle - Thanks for kicking my butt when we work out together - you rock;
Monday morning folks - you know who all of you are - thanks for picking me up on those days when I was down and thanks for all of the support throughout;
The CL team / gang - I've met so many of you and each and every one of you has been a pleasure to know and train with, race with, or just hang out with. There have been helping hands when I fall down (literally), pats on the back, and good will that I feel. Thanks for making me feel included.

I think I hear the Jaws music playing, so I need to get off the stage. There are many more of you out there that have helped me along the way in big ways or small ways and there will be more big moments for me and I'll try to thank you all in person and was as in public.

Mariachi Mile and Santana Row, here I come! Clear the streets - wild, charging buffalo on the loose!

Quick thought of the day

Something to remember when the run gets long, the workout gets hard, or life just throws you a curve ball.

Mistakes

"What do do with a mistake: recognize it, admit it, learn from it, and then forget it" -- Dean Smith

While I wouldn't categorize tonight as a mistake, I went to the pool, started to do my 2500 yd swim, and then I went down with a major migraine headache. I had been feeling cranky and off all day long, and now I know why. I was developing a nasty headache.

I have this Dean Smith (famous basketball coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels for those that don't recognize the name) quote around for a reason. I need to let the failure of tonight go.

Sage advice for most disappointments, mistakes, or otherwise.

What a great day...

Again, apparently, I must learn the lesson of not reading too much into my first feelings about a given run until I get a chance to look at the data objectively. When I walked off the course, I thought I had an OK day, but it turns out I had a fantastic day.

A quick summary of today's results:

• 5K PR shattered
• Ran more, walked less
• Beat my previous time (by a monster amount) on a previous course that was just as hilly
• No pain in the ankle
• And I got to run with a bunch of my new training friends

How good was today?

With a longer course, I shaved 3:38 off my previous PR. If I take the fastest 3.13 miles off the Hot Chocolate Run, I shaved 5:40 off of the Nookachamps run. And Nookachamps was less hilly than the HC 5K! From my 5K just before Christmas it is around seven minutes better!

If I crunch the data even further - with my HR roughly the same as the previous race on a less hilly course, I ran much faster. This is a great sign!

I know I have to work on the self-confidence because I honestly thought I had an OK day, but not this great.

These are the sorts of days that leave me with the the confidence to know that I can conquer Miami and that the full Ironman (looking like Wisconsin) is looking better and better! It's days like this that make all of the difference.

Self-image (AKA Before and After)

People have been after me for a while to post some before and after pictures. I have really been reluctant to do so because, to put not too fine a point on it, I'm embarrassed by both how I looked and how I look now.

Before (Circa November 2010)

All of that being said, here was me a couple of years ago (and frankly about where I was when I started this progression to being an athlete again). Ugh. I'm having a hard time even typing this post looking at the picture right next to the words that are coming out of the keyboard, but I will continue.

Current (Circa March 2013)

I should feel better about where I am at. I just made a business trip to San Jose down to my companies headquarters and saw friends and co-workers that I have not seen in quite a while (several months at a minimum). Almost bar none, each and every one of them asked me what happened to most of me and were amazed or impressed that I had dropped so much weight in this amount of time and generally looked happier and healthier. This is what they see now.

What I think I should look like...

So, why can I not see what they see? To me, I don't see that much of a difference in those pictures, even though there is at least 105 pound difference. This is a real struggle that I have and I'm sure I'm not alone. It seems like there is a large segment of the population that doesn't particularly care for how they look in the mirror or how they look in a picture. Even though there is less of me, all I see are the flaws, I see the extra weight - I see the issues. It can be very discouraging at times. But I also have to realize that this is in my head and when I talk like that to myself, I'm inviting a disaster in the making. I know my body image that I think I should look like is unrealistic... I'm never going to look like Chris McCormack - I have a day job! But that doesn't stop me.

I wish I had answers for those of you reading my blog about what to do. I don't. I just know it's a struggle and the best thing I can do right know is stop looking for flaws and appreciate the fact that I do look better and that I am getting better. At the end of the day, my goal is to finish the race and feel like an athlete - that is what matters. Even though just a few days ago I told people about the quote about not letting your worst enemy live between your ears, this is the challenge that I face - this is my worst enemy. But what I can do is recognize it when it happens and try to break the cycle right then. I don't know that it'll ever go away, but at least if I recognize it and watch it, I can't let it harm me subconsciously. Recognition of the bad behavior at least allows me a chance to stop it before I spiral into self doubt and hatred of myself. I'll settle for a draw right now with my inner enemy.

Sometimes a strategic stalemate is a victory!

New addition to the family!

Weighing in at 1295g, and 79cm tall ... meet my new tri bike. So far I'm calling her Black Beauty (not terribly creative, I know).

I got a screaming deal on this bike which included race wheels that were worth almost $1000.00 by themselves. It's a Quintana Roo CD0.1 all carbon triathlon bike.

This thing fits me like a glove, I probably still have some fine tuning to do, but when I test rode it - I dropped right into the aero bars without a problem. There's still some hip tightness on the right side I need to resolve to get my stroke clean, but that'll come with flexibility and the real bike fit.

It's also NOT a Cervelo P2. The P2 is an awesome bike, don't get me wrong, but it's also what everyone rides. You don't see as many QR bikes out there, so that makes me faster in T-1 because I won't be searching for my look-alike bike, right? Hey, I'm looking for every speed advantage I can get.

The aero bars are excellent because they are totally configurable for my wide shoulders and it's got a lovely set of SRAM Red components on them (including the return to neutral feature which is pretty slick).

I'll need to get a set of normal wheels for the bike to make sure I don't wear out these beautiful wheels.

I love the upgraded saddle as well - ISM saddles rock.

Yes, I'm proud of her and she's a reward and incentive all wrapped up into one. A reward for getting as far as I have so far and completing my first triathlon. An incentive to live up to what this bike is capable of and go fast in Miami. She's going to get her first race break in this summer at Lake Chelan in ChelanMan!