People have been after me for a while to post some before and after pictures. I have really been reluctant to do so because, to put not too fine a point on it, I'm embarrassed by both how I looked and how I look now.
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| Before (Circa November 2010) |
All of that being said, here was me a couple of years ago (and frankly about where I was when I started this progression to being an athlete again). Ugh. I'm having a hard time even typing this post looking at the picture right next to the words that are coming out of the keyboard, but I will continue.
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| Current (Circa March 2013) |
I should feel better about where I am at. I just made a business trip to San Jose down to my companies headquarters and saw friends and co-workers that I have not seen in quite a while (several months at a minimum). Almost bar none, each and every one of them asked me what happened to most of me and were amazed or impressed that I had dropped so much weight in this amount of time and generally looked happier and healthier. This is what they see now.
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| What I think I should look like... |
So, why can I not see what they see? To me, I don't see that much of a difference in those pictures, even though there is at least 105 pound difference. This is a real struggle that I have and I'm sure I'm not alone. It seems like there is a large segment of the population that doesn't particularly care for how they look in the mirror or how they look in a picture. Even though there is less of me, all I see are the flaws, I see the extra weight - I see the issues. It can be very discouraging at times. But I also have to realize that this is in my head and when I talk like that to myself, I'm inviting a disaster in the making. I know my body image that I think I should look like is unrealistic... I'm never going to look like Chris McCormack - I have a day job! But that doesn't stop me.
I wish I had answers for those of you reading my blog about what to do. I don't. I just know it's a struggle and the best thing I can do right know is stop looking for flaws and appreciate the fact that I do look better and that I am getting better. At the end of the day, my goal is to finish the race and feel like an athlete - that is what matters. Even though just a few days ago I told people about the quote about not letting your worst enemy live between your ears, this is the challenge that I face - this is my worst enemy. But what I can do is recognize it when it happens and try to break the cycle right then. I don't know that it'll ever go away, but at least if I recognize it and watch it, I can't let it harm me subconsciously. Recognition of the bad behavior at least allows me a chance to stop it before I spiral into self doubt and hatred of myself. I'll settle for a draw right now with my inner enemy.
Sometimes a strategic stalemate is a victory!
Mark, you look incredible! You look so much healthier in the "now" photo! I'm really encouraged and inspired by your success! Like you, I struggle every day with my self-image. What I try to remember is that, it took months and months and years to get me to where I am now, it's not going to go away in days. Some days I wake up and am in love with how I look and feel - and on those rare days, I play it up as much as possible - I dress up, I take self-cams, I look in the mirror every chance I get. Writing it out that ways seems a bit narcissistic, but there's no guarantee (and it's quite unlikely) that tomorrow I will feel the same way, so I celebrate it as much as possible when I do have a good day, so that I can look back and remember that feeling to either help me strive to get that back, or hopefully to feel even better.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Yeah, I do look healthier in the current photo. It's sometimes hard to see myself, but I'm working on forcing myself to be more objective on how I see pictures like this.
ReplyDeleteYeah - my type A impatient personality kicks in and wants it to go away at 2x the speed it came on. Not realistic and yet another thing I have to work on.
It's great that you take the time to capture when you're feeling good - that's a really great thing! It's something I should think about. I don't think it's narcissistic at all. Good job on capturing those moments!
As i ran by you in track the other day, i stand by my comment. You do look amazing. I see a strong athlete who is only just starting to find out what he can do. I am enjoying the journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I am making great progress. Sometimes it's hard to see through my own eyes, but I'm working on being more objective about myself. If I sit down and really think about it, since July of last year when I finally got out of the boot and got cleared to start training again - I've come an amazing distance, against some tough odds.
DeleteThanks for the compliment and I thanks for the encouragement!